Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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