You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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