Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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