The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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