So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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