My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
