wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
