I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
