God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
