It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
