so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
