I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
