I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
