"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
