If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
