if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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