i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
