You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
