My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
