so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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