I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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