Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
