Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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