my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
