You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
