Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
