I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
