This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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