i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
