He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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