does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
