Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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