I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize