I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
