My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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