You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
