You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
