cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
