my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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