I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
