at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
