I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
