I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
