If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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