I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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