Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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