We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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