just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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