the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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