Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
