I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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