just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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