I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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