I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
