My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
