don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
