To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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