True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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