apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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