I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
