I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
