We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
