It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
