I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
