You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
