So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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