he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
